I say this phrase, or versions of it, in my head a lot. Just a Mum. Just a Mum. When I say it loud, I correct myself, ‘Oh, you know I just want to be a mum for a bit.’ Adding on – ‘I shouldn’t say just, should I?’ Or, ‘I’m just a mum – at the mo…’ (as if I want them to know, that someday soon, I will be taking over Google, or something).
I won’t be.
The purpose of my life is something that swirls and whirls around my head all the time. It drives me crazy. I speak to a lot of mums about this. And it seems I am not alone. I also think it’s a big ADHD thing.
It’s been an obsession of mine, since I became a mother. How do you achieve your goals / find and realise your purpose and be there for your kids? I marvel at mums who juggle career and kids – but when you speak to them, they are exhausted.
Has anyone got the balance right, I wonder?
A few years ago, as many of you know, I suffered poor mental health. Lack of sleep, probably undiagnosed ADHD. I’d had ups and downs before but this was a new level of low. I always bounced back though. It led to a deep dive in wellbeing, and I trained as a holistic coach and yoga teacher. I also got really into essential oils, and whilst I haven’t trained as an aromatherapist, I know quite a lot!
I don’t regret any of those things, and it led me to quit alcohol and really get to know myself, how I tick, what my tendencies are and my traumas, too.
In amongst all that I sought my purpose, starting projects and not finishing them. Realising that when I dove deep into ‘work’ or a project that it took me far away from my kids and home life.
Some people love to fly by the seat of their yoga pants. Not me. I hate being stressed. It makes me a bitch to be around and I feel really out of control. I need routine, rest, homeliness, home cooked meals, fires, walks with the dog. I do need a creative outlet, too.
The cycles I seem to operate in are like this: be a mum for a bit. Get bored or come up with an idea. Start said idea. Realise it’s too much for me. Sack it off and return to being ‘just a mum’!
But am I really just a mum? And, we all give lip service to motherhood being the most important job in the world – but if it really is, why don’t we seem to value mums at home?
Every family is different. But in mine, my partner works a lot and is away a lot, too. That means one of us – me – has to be here for the kids. We don’t have outside help. We did have a cleaner for a bit but I feel like I lose touch with my house, so I have decided to do it myself again. We don’t have anyone to rely on for pick ups or babysitting when needed.
Creating a safe haven for my children, a cosy and secure home, is really important to me. The biggest threat to that – is me being unhappy. It’s been really hard over the past few years. When I’ve struggled, it’s really affected them. I see the impact and I keep talking to them. We laugh a lot. That helps.
My mental health has to come first. If I am well, the family is well.
Elizabeth Gilbert says, my mental health is a full time job – everything else is just a hobby. And I couldn’t agree more.
Recently I started to think, what if my own growth, was my purpose? What if money or status wasn’t the aim, but my own inner peace? What if I spent my time thinking about how to help others, using my skills in content creation to do so? What if I align, align, align with my values until I feel inner peace and it radiates and spreads to others who recognise themselves in me?
So that’s what I decided to do.
I will be writing and creating on the things that make my heart sing: family food; yoga; oils; home life.
I don’t want to keep to a schedule, with classes or clients. So I won’t.
I don’t want to answer to someone else. So I won’t.
In return? I might not get a monthly salary, but I will be aligned to my truest self.
I might not get validation from others, but I will get validation from my self.
I saw something online about people at your funeral. It said, there are the people on the front row. They love you with all their hearts. The people on the second row are there to support the people on the front row. Then there are others at the back.
All that matters, really, are the people in the front row.
Just a mum. I’m just a mum. It’s so simple.
Aren’t I lucky?